


(heart)-(сердце)

by KristleTribble



Series: VB Week 2017 (Yuri!!! On Ice) [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Changing Tenses, Drabble, Identity Issues, M/M, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 06:32:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13048455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KristleTribble/pseuds/KristleTribble
Summary: Part one of Viktor's Birthday Week 2017 (a Tumblr based fan week).A drabble about Viktor's sense of identity between the media and his close friends...Or, an alternative interpretation as to why Viktor approached Yuuri as a coach.





	(heart)-(сердце)

After every performance, the first I meet off the ice is Yakov, that old man of a mentor who enters rooms with the sternest of countenances, trying to discern the level of professionality to add to the atmosphere... And yet I would describe him as a caring person, for he does not overcriticize me for my honest mistakes.

 

Yakov knows how to give me distance when I need it, but he doesn't know how to gauge my tolerance for media conferences. Perhaps, in a way, I have too much of a mask even for him to read.

 

His coaching is strict but not concealing of humanity.

 

\---------

 

The rusty red locks of Mila, then, appear before me, tight in a hug of both slim arms and elastic hairties. "Good job again, Vitya!! You were fantastic to witness!" Smiles warmly. Again, a caring person.

 

After shots of vodka, Mila will vent her romantic struggles to anyone in range. When I am in such conversation, my mind swims with disappointment. I don't have anyone to skate for, with all my heart and soul, no partner to dedicate my routines to.

 

Who would I be to such a person?

 

\--------

 

Even Georgi expresses his admiration -- though in a noticeably more distant way. He settles for a shake of the hand and occasionally the robust hand on my shoulder. Thumbs up, awkwardly silent.

 

Georgi reminds me constantly that love is a dangerous gamble to play. His broken affection for Anya is why I am convinced romance could only hurt me.

 

I feel a lonesome ache in my body. I turn 27 this year, but I still have no one who truly knows me...

 

\-------

 

Lilia waits to get a word in when Yakov isn't anywhere near. In her behavior, I can sense that there is still some bad blood circulating between the two, some remnant memories of their bittersweet marriage. I always forego the chit-chatting with her and frostily accept any invitations. Still... she is caring.

 

Their divorce... If I find someone to love, would something happen to destroy me like Yakov and Lilia experienced?

 

Lilia has assured me that, simply, Yakov was just an antisocial person. I am not calmed by this fact, for I was coached by him since in my childhood.

 

\-----

 

Yuri Plisetsky occasionally crawls out of that angsty mood of his to give me some variety of acerbic congratulation, then retreats again into the intense practice schedule which he prescribed for himself as an extreme skater. "Nice quad, but just wait until I make one...!" Still caring, I suppose.

 

I am the first to be notified by him whenever he makes a direct improvement in his jumping repertoire.

 

Sometime ago I wondered if there was a friendly competition between us, Yuri and I. Then I was corrected by his choreography request, evidence that I am his aspired model of inspiration.

 

\------

 

My beloved Makkachin himself was the greatest source of care I held near for the longest of times... Each day I get to spend with him is precious, and I know his days (like mine, in a way) are limited. Every moment, we survive off of each other's gratitude and affection.

 

When I hold his fur close to my nose, I am sometimes reminded of distant memories from childhood. Those days when I first came to know Makkachin as my companion. I shudder when trying to conceive of a world without him.

 

I lament that dogs can only listen to human sorrows.

 

\-------

 

All sources of caring channel into the gravity of the audience, thrilling and creative performances which excite and break records. Nothing is left over to be savored and coveted by my own heart.

 

In this course of my young life, all the caring I receive goes back to the fame. Years to dedicate my skills to the ever-pressing audiences. The rumble and tremble of the air as thunderous claps assault the senses with thanks and admiration. The spotlight which blinds one's eyes reflecting off the ice, illuminating a false facade of grace and splendor.

 

\---------

 

The media gives me unrequested titles that drive the public nuts with crazed infatuation.

 

Champion of the Ice.

 

The Russian God of Figure Skating.

 

St. Petersburg's Herald on Skates.

 

No one sees me as human, mistake-making, and it slowly erodes away at my identity. I struggle to keep myself away from the smug pride my image allows, the deceptive charm I could use to manipulate others around me.

 

\--------

 

I thought, when I saw my program copied by the struggling Yuuri Katsuki, I would lose my rationale. Here was a Japanese skater who never had the same luck with the sport, anxious and depressed at his biased fight to get just a sparse handful of podium placements -- this skater thought he could feel better by being more like me... Clearly, I thought, I was losing control of what I stood for as a skater.

 

But then I realized I didn't stand for anything. I didn't do ice skating as a message, but merely to show off my talents. I thought, maybe, if I sparked the inspiration of Yuuri, there was a wondrous chance to at least correct some part of my meaningless career.

 

So I took a flight to Japan, to Kyushu, to Hasetsu, to Yuuri.

 

Over time, he showed me that I wasn't doing anything wrong with my image. His trust tells me that I cannot blame myself for the ridiculous things fans do in my image, the ludicrous cries of the media.

 

\--------

 

Yuuri helps me discover who I am as a coach.

 

If I work on my methods of motivation, he shines like the brightest star in the night sky. Yuuri the timid becomes Yuuri the bold, and I am rewarded by the trickshot jumps he decides to create on the spur of the moment.

 

I learned the other day that he especially thrives on physical contact for motivation. It feels so strange as a coach to have such a relationship, but only at first glance.

 

\------

 

Yuuri helps me discover who I am as a friend.

 

A good friend listens, but a great friend knows to find quick and lasting solutions. I came to know this in a difficult manner, minutes before one of Yuuri's performances.

 

The best of friends match their supporting techniques in specific ways. I eventually ascended to that level with Yuuri, but it was not without grief.

 

\--------

Yuuri helps me discover who I am as a therapist.

 

I did not realize that my simple presence was calming to him. When I heard stories from other skaters about his hug rampage, my first reaction was to chuckle away.

 

In all seriousness, behind the laughter, I knew he was just as lonely as I was. I realize now the mutual nature of our friendship...and recognize the therapeutic properties it has on the both of us.

 

\--------

 

Yuuri helps me discover who I am as a lover.

 

I was surprised by the deepening erotic message he was managing to incorporate into his program. My mind became fixated on his movements at every performance, alongside an unknown yearning which made my blood pulse.

 

Once we lock lips, I have no fear. I know what the identity of my true passion is -- the beauty beneath me on the ice, smiling back with all the intensity of an inviting and warm summer's day.

 

\---------

 

Yuuri helps me discover who I am as a husband.

 

Right now, I think my heart could break from sadness. He says that we would be done after the Grand Prix.... Was my heart right all along??? I have never felt so disturbed before... This inner struggle binds my ability to reason with things properly. It is a struggle to give Yuuri motivation for his season's final performance.

 

...my heart is a fool. I know now, after Yuuri's flawless final performance, that he did not mean our love. He wants me to be complete again, on the ice... because I helped him to achieve a successful career. As a fiance and then a husband, Yuuri understands me.

 

\------

 

Do you understand what you are to me, Yuuri?

 

I am already complete with you. I no longer depend on the ice for the comforting of my soul. You are the closest confidante, best friend, beautiful love, and innocent soul rolled into one wonderful bowl of a katsudon dish. I care when you are around me, and I feel melancholy at your absence, for even the littlest of whiles.

 

I cannot explain in words the level of my gratitude. My heart is gently cushioned by the newfound caring I can now reciprocate to others. Because of you, my husband, I can finally no longer sense any emptiness in my message on the ice. I feel purposeful again.

 

When the time comes, I am sure my heart will be ready to die of only happiness.


End file.
